“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe thats not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I dissappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dogs money, my dogs time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy christmas presents for your whole family. I will give you the sun and the rain and if they are not avalable, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else”

“we were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfor someone in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say, “I’ve been there.” This was unclear to him at first-”I’ve been where?” But I explained that deep greif sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coodinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.
“So sadness is a place?” Giovanni asked.
“Sometimes people live there for years.” I said.
In return, Giovanni told me that empathizing Italians say “L’ho provato sulla mia pelle“, which means “I have experenced that on my own skin” Meaning, I have also been burned or scarred in this way, and I know exactly what you have been going though.”

more later.

-avaX

Why? Because I have had two other serious relationships before him. A and B.

Onward.

I am not in a great mood with or about him but It’s time I let it out.

C started out as sheer perfection.
The kind you see in the movies.
Naturally I fell in Love with him. He was perfect! I even surprised him valentines morning by showing up to spend the day with him. And I bought him a card, and if you know me you know I suck at buying cards. He did sweet things for me and I him. I was at his house every weekend. It was perfect.

So, as time wore on I made a mistake. It was My Mistake on my part. Not his. I decided I could live with him. He was up for it, excited. I jumped to soon. I moved in with him and a few roomates in New Bern in a huge two story house with a full basement and attic. And thats when the problems started.

Everyone in the house started having problems with eachother. People were not pulling their weight and everyone was ill about something. The good days were great the bad days were bad. Me and C started to grow apart. I still loved him though things were not the same and I wanted to fix what was wrong.

Then a lot of drama went down and we got our own place. I finally got a good job and things looked up for a bit. Till I got restless. We never went anywhere with friends because he never wanted to. When I would go see my family he would get mad. Then it turned into all he wanted was sex. and thats when I got distant. When a relationship gets to that point I grow away fast. Ask relationship A.  I tried talking to him but he insisted on sex being neccisary. I never gave it up though. Which led to stress and trust issues.

I finally left him after a few weeks of tears and thought. I realized he never trusted me like he said he did and when that last sraw fell I left. It was over. And I hated loosing him though I knew it was right. I thought maybe we could try again. But not here. Maybe when I moved to cali since he was moving back to Nevada. But no. We tried staying friends and I enjoyed it as much as I missed him. When I went to New York things changed. I came back and now its nothing. He is turned into a complete stranger. And maybe its for the better.

If he wants to throw away eight months. Go for it. I don’t know him anymore. So you know what?

I’m going to do what I have been fighting and Forget him.
I tried to save a relationship and failed. I am not screwing up my life to save a friendship. It’s not worth it anymore.

He makes me so Angry!! Just a text from him and I get ill. I can’t explain how much.

There are so many nice guys out there.
I just need to find one that is not a sexaholic or an alcoholic like he was.

great, now I am stressed, ugh.

Anyway work calls.

night.

-avaX

the person you fell hardest for texts you at 4 am saying “come outside”. What do you do?
Good question. I have three serious relationships so I can’t pick one.
I’d ask A if his Girlfriend knew he was at my house.
B when he got into town and what he is here for
and C Why I should come outside when He can’t even text me back.

How tall is the last person you kissed?
Taller than me.

Do you forgive easily?
I Forgive but never Forget.

Who was your last call from?
A Coworker.

In the past five days, what would you go back and change?
Absolutely Nothing ^_^

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Oh God, Neither!

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them, you say?
No. They know where I stand on things and Why.

Baseball or football?
Football if I must.

Who has feelings for you?
Not sure. There were a few hopefuls a month or so ago but no one I was interested in.

Where’s the last place you went besides home?
New York.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
Definitely.

Do you believe exes can really ever be “just friends”?
Yes and No

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
At the rate I’m going it’s many short relationships but I would Much rather Find one. The One. I’m taking my time though.

Anyone say they want to be with you forever?
Yes.

Do you like someone right now?
I do.

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 months ago?
Was just getting out if I remember correctly.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?
Yes but He is Just a friend

Did you reject or accept your last friend request?
I wanna say denied.

Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck?
Depends who is giving the kisses. I like kisses on the neck when I am getting tickled and on the cheek when I am getting picked on ^_^

Do you have a member of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yup

Have you ever received a myspace message that made you cry?
Probably.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Pixie

Do you like to cuddle?
Very much so.

Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?
Yes

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Indeed.

Is there someone you used to talk to every day that you don’t talk to at all?
Yep.

Can you have more than one best friend?
Difficult question.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
Yes.

Are you starting to realize anything?
Possibly?

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Coworkers =p

Have you ever known someone that just creeped you out?
Yes.

Do you hate it when people mispronounce your name?
The don’t mispronounce but I hate it when they call me “Michelle Nobles”
There is no S in my name!!!! It’s “Noble”!!!

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not?
No

Is the last person of the opposite sex you called single?
Yup

Kissed someone with a gf or bf?
No.

Do you call anybody by their last name?
Yup. Harper ^_^

If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?
Of Course

Where was your default picture taken?
Bathroom

Would you date someone who smokes?
Ugh. Prefer not to. Nasty stuff.

What’s your relationship status?
Singular.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I’m happy. I’ll admit I miss the company and the non-sexual intimacy
but then again I don’t.

Are you spoiled?
Slightly.

Last person to see you cry?
Jay.

Do you act gangster?
Haha I’m to wonder bread white to act gangster

Does the person you like, know you like them?
Yes He does. At least I think so? It’s not something I am pursuing in any case though.
Just an affinity

I really don’t like working here haha.
But I have to make money somehow
My efforts on growing a “money tree” are proving futile.

Paychecks are Great though.

Me and Pixie [the Best friend] are planning to sneak off to Europe a for a week in may before I leave to
become a United States Sailor.
Plane tickets are ridiculous.
The hostels are not so bad. I can live with staying in a Dorm.

We are deciding on if we should go to Glasgow, Scotland or to London, England.
Any Advice? Because I am clueless about both really.
There is a College in Scotland I am interested in and I know Big Ben is in London.
Thats it.
haha

I am kinda scared about leaving for the military.
But I know it’s a great choice.
I could do with skipping boot camp, I am NOT athletic at all.
Not Fat just hate running.
I prefer reading, computers,long walks on the beach.
Not running two miles for fun.
It’s boring.

I should invest in audio ebooks to listen to.
Maybe it won’t suck so much then
haha

So, What will Ms. AvaX be up to tomorrow?
Cleaning. Wrapping Presents. Cleaning.
I reallllly need to focus on my room.
Badly.

It’s irritating me.
I’ll probably grab Dads aircard watch Modern Family and Clean.
IF. and thats a big IF i wake up on time.

on a side note-Whoever said Justin Timberlake could sing needs their ears checked.
Same for Sean Kingston. Only more so.

Anyway.

I wish I could find the schedule for next week.
I really need to get the rest of my stuff from new Bern.
I miss my mini Fridge ^_^

Pink Hill Parade Sunday Morning.
I get to go with my little Brother in my Boy Scout Uniform
[Yes, I am a Girl. I'm an assistant Cub Scout Leader]
I’m excited!!
Dad has to work which kinda sucks but it’s ok.
I’ll take pictures ^_^

Might even put one up here.

Need more time on Break.
Seriously.

Not long to go till I am off though!!

Working nights is not fun at times but It is great others.
I am thankful for flexible hours though.
It’s something I always hope I have.

Well I gotta get off.

Catch you later today hopefully!

-avaX

We constantly fall down to build ourself back up and prepare for the next fall.

We have to break brick walls in life to learn how to break the stone ones.

We have to realize that sometimes we cannot do these things alone no matter how independent we are.

But why?

Without Problems, walls, falls and Tragedy’s in Life we would take Everything for granted and Enjoy nothing.

It’s like saving up for an expensive want.

If It was just given to you you would not realize it’s value. You would not treat it with caution and respect.

The same goes for Us.  If nothing bad ever happened we would not realize just how good we have it.

-avaX

Travel from place to place learn local languages and customs and experience life in every part of the world.

I love getting lost.
Being in Places That are New and exciting and staying there until the wind blows me in another direction.

My trip to New York was just that.

I had all day Friday to myself!
And I enjoyed the days spent with the wonderful Mr. Scotland.
It was truly amazing.

Forgive my subject jump but I would like to tackle another subject.

The most Famous subject to the Human Race

Love.

Lately after my separation with Mr. Monster [not using that as a derogatory term mind you]
I have started to wonder whats wrong with myself.

And whenever I go on a trip I look for signs.
Epiphany’s of sorts.

And Something I already knew about myself came forward and I saw it in a new light.

Yes, I have a bit of a crush on Mr. Scotland.
Who wouldnt? He is a perfect gentleman.
I mean, I can’t tell you enough. I cannot find a flaw in him.
Not saying there isent any mind you but He truly is the sort of Man that
You just don’t see anymore.
At least not in America.

The entire trip I kept getting twitters from S. Ninja and Sayo asking If he had kissed me.
They knew I thought highly of him. And being two of my best friends they are nosy ^_^

But you know what?

He Didn’t.
And I think, I think I like it better that way.

Stop.
Let me explain.

First off I do not believe in the Girl making the first move.
I have made to many mistakes this way plus I like that Old World Charm and a Man with Confidence.

Second, In all of my previous relationships I have moved to fast and ended around the 1 year mark.
[I have had two longer relationships. 4 and 2 years respectively]

Also, He lives across the seas. It would have hurt more if something had happened.

I am thankful for him.
We held Hands, cuddled on the subway trains, talked about life,
he helped me overcome my fear of heights
And my Uncle seemed to like him.

But most Important it was like god was telling me

“See, It’s ok. You will love again. Maybe not him. Maybe it will be him. Keep your chin up and your eyes open.
Slow down and enjoy your friends for I have blessed you with what you need. You are strong. Don’t let fear
ruin your future. I am here for you. “

And thats what I needed the most.

If you know me you know my views on God.

God is in me. He is not religious but all powerful and all knowing.
He never leaves me even when I stray. God is in every sense my Father.

He is my Teacher. Without him I am nothing.
I wouldn’t have been able to face the day after some of my falls.

He shows me the good in absolutely everything.

An Example?

Last night I went with my Friends Big Brother, Yuna, Tomard, Novitsky and Skaggs to see ICP [Insane Clown Posse] Preform
at a Bar called Hooligans in Jvegas.

This band is Crude, Lewd, Violent and Obscene. Not what I listen to but I went to make memorys with my friends.

But, Despite all of that they are about family. The band that played before them, Hed PE, Thats all the singer would talk about. Wearing the black and white “Juggalo” facepaint and Stressing the importance of taking care of yourself and looking out for your family.

And I’ll agree with him. Family is not just blood. It is the ones that stay when everyone else leaves. The ones that you know you can depend on and you call them your family. They are more than friends.  The bond is stronger.  For me, I stayed at my brothers house last night. He is not blood to me but I am always welcome there and vice versa. “Tu Familia es mi familia y Mi Familia es tu familia” [Your Family is My Family and My Family is your Family] I mean, All I have to do is show up and knock and I know I have a place to sleep if tired and food if Hungry. He is my Big Brother. Nothing Less.

So I was there watching everyone at the concert. Sitting on a Ledge and looking at the Unity of these kids. And Like I said this band is rough. We got the Metal Detector and frisked on the way in the door. But everyone was in it together. No one was fighting. No one was mad. They were all united by this one band who called their followers “Juggalos” and “Juggalettes” and Because they ackowledged eachothers dedication to this one thing they had in common all were accepted and loved. It was eye opening.

Most would call these kids deliquents.
But what I saw was unity.

God takes the negative and makes it good.
Or at least he opens my eyes and teaches me to find it.

And when I say “God” I mean just that.

not a religious God, but My God.
I will not judge your beliefs.
For my relationship with God is Personal
The way it’s supposed to be.

Well I’m coming to the end of this Blog.
Currently listening to “Vermillion Borders” by “Virgil”

Check it out.

-avaX

"And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year

I hope that all is well in heaven
Cause it's all shot to hell down here (we need you here)
I hope that I find you in Heaven (singing in heaven)
Cause I'm so lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
(goodbye)I really wish I got to say goodbye"

-view from heaven - yellowcard -

missed you at the Concert Michael, Almost 7 months without you now. It still hurts.
You missed a great show, you loved ICP I hope you were watching it with us from up there.
When they sang "Homies" I sang it to you. I miss you like crazy sometimes which is funny
because towards the end I didn't see you much at all. Your little boy is growing though and
he is beautiful. Kyle went to see you the other day as well. I'll come by soon.
I promise. I'll even bring you flowers. Love you. 

If I am feeling sad, happy, anxious, nervous, mad, excited, etc.
I express it physically as well as emotionally.

I have always been a very physical person
So much that I have to hold myself back at times
Because not all Male friends would take my expressions the same way

Before you think anything wrong Just know that most of my close friends are male.
I have no qualms about linking arms, grabbing their hand and running or using them as a pillow
And I mean it all in a platonic way.

Thats Just me.
Chances are if your a guy and your my friend
You have experienced this and if you haven’t
Chances are I have held back because I don’t know your reaction

My Best Senses are Sight, Touch and Sound.
And I feel Emotions Very Strongly

So PDA has always played a big role to me.

Now, PDA is not always a good thing.
I do not approve of “making out” in public, groping, or anything lewd and sexual that
I would not let my future kids see

What I am big on is
Holding hands, hugs, Pretty much everything sweet and innocent
that just about every chick flick harps on
[I'm a girl, sue me]

So when I’m with someone who doesn’t like it at all
It Bothers me.
Immensely.

I Don’t like guys that are standoffish, I don’t like it when they get mad and shut you out,
I don’t like it when it’s to the point where people think we are just good friends.
NO.

To me PDA is little signs of possession in a way.
Proof that I am taken, I am Spoken For
And damn Happy at that!

I like Fairy Tales and Love Story’s
Stories in General are my Forte
So I know enough that I am not asking for the Moon here

You did good enough to get me
Now Prove that your worth my time

As of Right Now
I have No Clue who My “Soul Mate” is

I am seeing someone, yes
But there are issues there that are not looking too bright
Though Whatever happens we have decided to remain friends

Really, All i want is someone that I can be happy with

Things Happen, I know this
No relationship is without it’s ups and downs

But I want a Love like Johnny Cash and His Wife

I want someone who is not afraid to take my hand in public
I want someone who is not overly jealous of me
I want someone with that Old World Charm
Who will defend my Honor because he wants to

I want My Knight in Shiny Armor

why is he such an elusive bastard??

-avaX

Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Happiness at a Glance
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

If I died Right Now
I would be happy.

I have No regrets
No conflicts
No Loose ends

i’m not Suicidal by any means
and I am very admant about living the life I lead

But If I was to Die
I would die happy

Because I am Happy with myself and with my Life

I’m going to try and start adding to this

Today I Texted everyone I Loved
Thats Has A Cell Phone
on my way through VA back Home

And Told them At Least One thing I was thankful for about them

I wanted them to know I loved them
and to not doubt that

I Wrote down my Dreams
My Goals
No Matter How Big or Small

And I’m going to start working on them.

I Have So Much I want To Do
I Have So Much Life To Live

It’s Exciting
Exallerating
[theres supposed to be an h in there somewhere ^_^]

I’m Excited

I Had A Wonderful Trip
It’s EXACTLY what I needed

I have fallen in Love with The Capital as well as DC
and I get to go back soon

My mom is taking me to see Obama get sworn in as the next president.
I’m excited

We went and saw Cirque du Solei’s “Kooza”
I got a mask and a T Shirt ^_^

It was jaw dropping
I want to go back
I want to work for them

Seriously
they were amazing.

I Met Two wonderful People S and J.
[guy, girl]
They took me to BAM and each bought me a book
Without me asking
It’s something the three of us have in common
our love and passion for the writted word
They are getting me started on Science Fiction

They also directed me to the best Bookstore in America
Poetry and Prose on the Corner of Conneticut and Nebraska
in Washington DC

I could stay in there for hours…

Quite an adventure finding the place
hahahaha

went to several Museaums
I saw and Touched a Painting by Leonardo Da Vinchi
when I saw it I almost fainted

Took the Metro
Loved It

Had Adventures with mom on the way up
We stopped at the ‘affle house around 2am
XD

and another Great place

i can’t recall the name but it was alittle diner
They have the greatest food
It has to be my favourite resturant by far
very small, but everything about it drew you in
it was a place you felt at home
open 24 hours
the floor was dirty but
you didn’t notice because
the people were so friendly
And you could tell the old place was well loved
even if worn out.

It was magical.

The vacation in general was magical.

Pictures going up asap.

Anyway. I’m off to bed.

Got stuck in a 6mile traffic on the way home
missed Desperate housewives
haha

It was hell.

Here’s YOUR Challenge.

Tell the people you love, care about, or admire
at least 10 of them
Something about them that you are thankful for.

Ex.
I Told my Aunt Kelly I was thankful for her being hard to get long with
[you have to really be determined to get anywhere in life]

And I Told the guy my mom is with
that I was thankful for him because my mom has smiled more
than I have ever seen.

It can be anyone or anything.
message, talking or texting.

Express your thanks.

peace!

-rikku

It’s something that I got from my mother. My love of the fragrance White Diamonds is another.

My mother is the best conglomeration of everything “hip” that I have ever seen. She is a master Sgt. of the Thrift Store Gestapo, Never forgetting her signature lipstick when dressing up, or the few dabs of White Diamonds behind her ears and neck, and if she is feeling especially beautiful, on the dip in the middle of her collarbone. When she finished primping her face is always shimmery from her powder and though I use to hate how over the top she was I have come to Love it. Immensely.

In Middle school I was the definition of outcast. I wore only baggy boys clothing, (mainly to hide the fact that I was 4’11 and weighing in at 158) my hair was always up in a ponytail, and I was never without a hoodie on; Regardless of the season. I detested dressing up, I detested that I was a size 12 and my mother a 0. By the time I reached high school I was shedding the baby fat, growing to a towering height of 5’1 (*gasp*) and by the time I was a sophomore I was pretty. I didn’t see it. I honestly didn’t care to. My Mom pushed me to stop hating myself and my body and to do something about it. I did and I was quite happy.

Determination. My mom taught me this to the extreme. Don’t take No for an answer. Loopholes. Loopholes. Loopholes. Be consistent. Have Fun. Speak your mind regardless. (that one got me in trouble till I learned ow to pick my fights) Chin Up. Wear it with Confidence and who cares if you got it at Salvation Army? Dynamite comes in small packages and thats the best way to describe her.

This year has been hard on me. I know my typings are not fully clear but I’m having a hard time because all I can think about is Christmas. Mainly The Tree.

Christmas was a BIG thing at our house. The Biggest. and the Tree had to be Pristine, which here means “throw everything on it that we have and that you have made since kindergarten and smile”. It was Beautiful. Every single Year. We never had an angel either, It was always a really big bow on top of the tree with it’s tails hanging way down gracefully. And every year mom would hide something in the tree.

This year I’m without it.

The gun hurts
no lie

And the first months I kinda secretly resented them
trying to get use to my stars
my symbol of inner power and infinity

now I am kinda attached to the red and slate blue wonders
that don my shoulders

I love them

they are a bit childish, the outline is a bit scribbleish
And there is a small place where you can see that i jerked

I love it.
Absolutely love it.

The Slate blue and red are strong colors that enforce the design

I want more.

I have my next one planned out.
I just need to get it inked ^_^

I think i am going to get my upper left arm soon as well
I found something awhile back I love
I think I’m going to get it

hmmm..

There is also a need to put words on myself.

Words are my passion in life
Cursive elusive letters scattering across my mind

I want A Few Elements etched into my body

Something Poetic

I’m thinking “Cellar Door” etched very small on my wrist
[ask for the background story]

Something Mathematical

a^2 + b^2 = c^2
the Pythagorean theorem. The only thing I ever enjoyed in math ^_^
or the digits in Pi but thats overused really

Something Scientific

a Double Helix wrist band. very small.
or- A Molecular Structure.

Something Symbolic

A Tree growing up my side and the roots splaying over my hips
or Birds on a branch on my back.
I don’t think i want wings anymore

The Next one I am getting is a leaf popping out of the ground. very small on the inside of my foot.
New Life. New Beginnings. Possibilities. Also a tribute to my grandmother who loves to garden.
She has been my rock.

I want something that represents the Past Present and Future.

And Something Geeky.
I might put cellar door in cursivy leet instead of english.

Sounds lovely.

Anyway its late

i’m off to bed for now